To Tell or Not To Tell


I have gone on 4 dates with a guy recently. It’s probably the slowest relationship I think I’ve ever had — 4 dates in 2 1/2 months, not incredibly deep conversation, and we haven’t even kissed yet! But, he’s actually growing on me, and he’s a great guy. He’s 48, and has a 12-year-old son who he has full custody of. On his profile, it said “Maybe” for “Do you want kids?” Since there are only 3 options to choose from: Yes, No and Maybe… Maybe can mean a lot of things. Some men say that means “I’m not sure”. Some say it means “If my partner wants kids, I’m a yes. If not, I’m a no.” So, I knew at some point, I’d need to ask him what his “Maybe” means. This is also a particularly hot topic for me, because last year, I ended a relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life, and I wanted to marry, but his original “maybe” (explained at the time as “yes, if my partner wants kids”) became a “no” after we were completely in love. Ending this relationship was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was the right one for me. But, obviously I’d rather not get into a situation like that again.

So, the question before our 4th date was… “When should I tell him I’m trying to get pregnant?” (TTC = trying to conceive). But, now, the question is… “When do I tell him I’m actually pregnant?”. And, we haven’t even had the kid conversation at ALL!! Given that it still feels really early in terms of where we are emotionally, I just don’t feel like it’s time yet. But, I do want to know where he stands in terms of kids. So, last night I asked him. He said, “That’s a good question. When I first got divorced, I definitely wanted kids. Now, I’m not opposed to it, but it’s not a mandatory.” Hmmm, that sounds familiar. And, I do know that men say what you want to hear a lot of times. And, I’m guessing he knew that’s what I wanted to hear, because my profile said “Yes”. He then asked if I wanted kids, and I said “Yes, it’s something I’ve always wanted, and something I know I’ll do at some point.”


Is it time to tell him I’m TTC? Or pregnant? On the one hand, I think “If he can’t accept where I stand now, then he’s not ready for it anyway. I might as well tell him sooner rather than later.” On the other hand, I think “The more he gets to know me, hearing something as big as this will land much differently than when we don’t know each other that well.” It reminds me of a 1st date I had recently, and the guy shared with me that he can’t have kids because of bad sperm from chemo, that he’s had 2 different types of cancers, and that he pees in a bag. Wow. Hearing all that when I barely knew him, there was just no compelling reason to have to deal with all of that. But, if we were already really connected when he told me all of that, I’d be much more likely to think “He’s so awesome, I’m willing to go with it.”

There was a discussion on the SMC group on Facebook today, and some of the women believe you should tell as soon as the 2nd date. Thinking about all of this, for me, It feels right to wait a little bit longer to tell him.  Going with my gut feeling is something I don’t do very well. But I’m trying! 🙂

What do you think? Have you shared your plans to be an SMC with your date? How about if you’re actually pregnant?



4 thoughts on “To Tell or Not To Tell

  1. For what its worth, I say take the risk and tell him you’re pregnant. If he cannot accept you for where you are right now then why would you want to continue seeing him? My line of thought here is making sure he’s the right man for you vs. you trying to be the right woman for him. What the other guy shared with you let you know exactly where he was. Some would say TMI, but I say good for him for being that open about who he is and giving you the info to make an informed choice. Ultimately I would ask myself one question, “If I were in his shoes would I want to know?” My answer would be yes.

  2. UPDATE: After this 4th date, he emailed saying he thought we were 2 trains on different tracks. No clue what that meant, but obviously I haven’t seen him since then!

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